放弃过去的我 。。。

拖著戰死的軀殼回到了老家... 袋往沙发里抛... 大字的摊在哪里... 真舒服...

來到了廚房... 老媽煲了ABC湯... 開心...
想把湯弄熱... 但煤氣沒了... 老媽是在作弄我麼... 心想... 眉頭皺...
洗了澡... 在客廳... 看報紙... 才發現... 可樂的簡訊...回了簡訊...

我打開了電視... 看著羅家良演的 '黃金歲月' 電視劇... 一看就是看第二十一集...
房子很安靜... 大家都睡了... 好想出外吹吹冷風 ... 吹走所有对你的思念... 卻忘了早已把你深深的烙印在某个角落... 失去了磨灭的力量与慾望...

身體與心智開始脫節...
心智明白該如何做...身體抗拒就如此做...
心智覺得該摔手機...身體用力握著手機...
心智懶洋洋爬著床...身體自動洗臉刷牙...
我想我是生病了...感染了...

我看著天空... 天空看著我...
"你變了... 和以往的你不一樣了..."
天空對我說... 我苦笑...

"大夥們都睡了吧..."
我對天空說... 天空苦笑...

"去睡覺吧... 這兒已經沒你的事了..."
天空說...

"好吧... 他有失眠麼...?"
我問...

"天氣很好... 他睡得像豬一樣... 放心..." 天空小聲說...
"那... 晚安..."
"B... 晚安.

不想醒的理由

最近只能做这些不用动脑的事, 根本不能集中精力做任何重要的工作,
我的大脑在放假...只是不能让自己静下来, 不能停止, 只有让自己忙,
一停下来我就不知所措......
"有的不要, 要的没有, 对人对己都是一种无穷无尽的折磨......
"我现在是什么都不要了, 我开始想换个地方生活, 到一个没有人认识我的地方......
离开吧 !!!! 每个人的心中都有一个匿名的宝贝, 那是藏在心里的眼泪......
有一种让我心痛的美, 于是我选择自己孤单地睡, 下半辈子让我不想醒的理由

Tonight

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up late and think of you and I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

I'm dreaming of you tonight
I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

自虐

从来就知道等待的滋味并不好受,
纵使知道不该等, 不想等, 却还是无法自拔地等下去......
自虐本就是劣根性之一吧!
等待的心总在苦涩中带着一分甜, 一分执着的甜......坚持下去,
越等越急, 悬空的心最后"咻"的一声, 就掉到谷底去了, 连碎片都找不回来.

吃着口中的 tiramisu, 甜...真的很甜.....混杂着苦苦的可可粉, 把眼泪也一并咽下去了......
(Tiramisu - my favourite flavour, when u eat, u will feel little bit sweet, little bit bitter....good taste)

Stressed actually is desserts from different way

Peek period is over .... sign...not really...just feedback with whole body sick....
HEADache....ache...ache...
EYES pain....pain...pain...
STOMACH-ache...ache...ache...
sick already

around 10am today... i went to office to take my camera which leave at there ...
after do the clean work which will do usually...drink a coffee...wear the thick thick jacket...take the car keys....drove to office...
strong wind blowed at morning ...sunlight illuminate my skin...feel warm...walked to take my car...a bit rickety...a bit dizzy....no choice...
my sister need the camera (inside got memory card which take by her with her fren)...forgot to save inside the PC....
no traffic jam today.... n traffic light also change available signal for me ....
around 15 minutes reached office ...my collegue surprised to saw me go there ...coz i take MC today ...

"Ei....r u feel cool ??? why wear the sweater" my seniour asked
"Not feeling well...dizzy n cold sweat ..." i am answer....
"pitiful.... u go see doctor ??? need me to accompany u or buy some bread for u ???"...asked again..
"No...no thanks, i take MC today...come back to take camera only n feel tasteless"...
"You need some food n must eat"
Go to have breakfast with my sister ....really not feel to eat...order a porridge..taste bad....

After finish that bad porridge....say bye to my collegue then go back home ....
Feel a bit better after eat the breakfast....on the way to go back ...feel that healthy really important ...anyway need to warning myself that drink more water to prevent sick next time...

Last year September

Reached home..... 11.00pm... take shower n dont feel to sleep yet...read the magazine that bought 2 weeks ago...... still haven finish reading..... realized that September already......
Suddently think ....last year September ...what i am doing ??

Memories fly back to last year ......
Bi...what u like for your birthday present ???
Anything....what u bought i also like ....
Be careful when cross over there....is raining ....smoothly...
A small street....our "Lou dei fong".... every week we also walk around there ....at night can see many couple dating there....full of our sweet n warm memories...

Raining heavily....many ppl stand around to prevent become a wet chicken ....we stand outside front door of the Mc.donald....Left hand fried chicken...right hand coconut drink... n a similiar smile.....
R u cool ???
No no no ...coz u beside me...both of us smile again ....everything express with that smile....
Bi...u like that wallet ??? I bought that for ur birthday present ...want ???
Ok ...at lease u like ...but inside must put our photo .....deal ???
Finally, bought that ....

Girl girl girl...why slept at sofa ....go inside bed room sleep...realize that that is dream ...Smiling ....smiling alone.... i wont forget that similiar n warm smiling ....

Depressed..... Everthing start from infinity...
Console....Realize that my tear dryed long time ago....
Anyway sweet dream Joey...together with Bi bi which far from me ...

Just left moon n star accompany me tonight...

Totally empty

After 3 years of works life, i kinda start to have the ability to foreseen my feeling and my reaction roughly everyday, every week, every month.
I know how i am gonna say to myself after the easter break, i wish i can utilise my break more efficiently, probably should have done some plan... Yet, i am not doing anything useful & meaningful now....

I m regret that i don't work consistently & put full effort, at lease haven't started doing anything helpful yet.
Hence, i was impressed by myself that borrow some book from my collegue and plan to start on new life.

Before that, shopping day for this two months, SALES. $$$ gone fast, still got 10 days more for salary day....T_T.......but enjoy to shopping, my ambition when i am small, at lease can buy something without ask parent permission...ehehe ....
I think i am the dumbest person in the world to go shopping carrying a heavy plastic bag from my collegue. After few hours for crazy shopping, go having lunch with my sister....
Purposely on leave n accompany my sister who came back from study at Uni.....
Only at this moment that i feel life can be very simple and nice by showing your care and concern not only through WORDS but also through ACTION....

Last but not least, i know i am going to regret if i don't have any travel plan this coming end of year. I shall start doing this despite all the works that are haunting me. Work plan will go after this....Plan to go Thailand before, but after that boom happenned there, my plan forced to postpone n cancelled....sign
Matta fair will be 3 days start from tomolo at PWTC....will go to survey some information ...

Mother's birthday

Fan Zhuan Di Qui (Pan Wei Po's song)...phone ringing......
walking slowly to pick up the phone...

Wei wei wei...
My hand not broken .....but phone line going to miss call....

Same song ring again ......

"WEI.... Joey speaking" ...
Answer without any energy...

"You r ???..."
Familiar sound....even know who's on the line.... but long time dint keep in touch...

"Is me... What r u doing now...?"
"Err... I am having my dinner... hehehe..."

...
"Err.. (...)"
....
"Arr... (...)"
...
"Wo Wo Wo... (...)"
...
"Tired ???... Remember take care n take more rest yourself ..."
...

(Bi Li Ba La.......)

Long time dint speaking with K already (at UK)... The phone duration only for 10~15 minutes....
K said got a surprise for me ... i asked what is that ..... laughing... why dint tell me ???.....^@^

Night...Easy let someone think something unhappy memories...
Alkohol.. Easy let ppl sad...
Night + alkohol = SAD

At dream... dreaming...
爆笑...

May be no ppl understanding what i wrote... but chin chai la...
Purposed for "SPACES" is stay to let us simply writing or express anything...
Coz tired no ppl know... Answer no ppl know... Lose or win also no ppl will care....

Wednesday (20th September) My mother's birthday...
Will having dinner with my family later....
Yesterday bought a dozen rose for my mother ....she feel touched...
coz long time dint received flower....

*@*

能解決的事，不必去擔心,

不能解決的事，擔心也沒用

Prefer

喜歡下雨....因為你不會知道我流淚....
Prefer raining....coz u dunno my tear....

喜歡發呆....因為你不會知道我想你....
Prefer stare blankly....coz u dunno i miss u ....

喜歡孤單....因為你不會發現我愛你....
Prefer alone....coz u dont realize i love u ....

喜歡在你身邊....因為你是我快樂的唯一因素....
Prefer stay beside u...coz u r the only element make me laugh...

小感動

after watched movie "click"... suddently feel touch n warm
u take back ur jacket from my shoulder..
walk n walk ...move to car park to take car.....

"we go to have some food??.." u asked..
"why face look so white (like no blood)" u asked again... break off already" my answer...
"why?..." u asked..
"not going to tell, dont wanna touch the pain that i try to ignore hardly" ...i answer

understand...
that feel just like... whole world suddently quite... dont wanna to be disturb.. dont wanna to be ask...if ask also dont feel to answer...

our car drove through Cheras...through Kepong....through Petaling Jaya.. aroung 40++ KM... feel my tear come out without any signal...
"feel cool"... wear the jacket from u ..... "r u ok ?"... u asked...
no respon, just shake my head slowly.. sob... u stop the car beside... go down alone... smoking there .....
"let u cry alone, may be will feel better.." u said...

very quite inside the car, just can feel warm of my tear, the light beside the road, like a shining firefly there n laugh to me, y so cowardly...
outside the car, got big field, condominium, n a old security guard stand down of the condo.....

if someone ask...."really need to so sad ????"... i will answer "yes"...
if anyone doubt... "really got that much of tear ???? is that true ???..." i will answer "may be"...

u come back to car after smoking.. "r u ok ???...?" u asked again...
no answer, still sob there ... "u can lend my shoulder, if feel comfortable" u asked....
"feel tired ???..." asked again...

"cry n cry ...feel got someone to trustworthy, car move again, look forward to the way of the home... sleepy ....
thank...fren...